The satire page does not contain news, and thus is not factual information. The events and people depicted are not meant to offend, but rather to entertain. The descriptions, opinions, and stories on this page do not reflect the opinions of The Current or its staff, but rather the individual writer.
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Students fail to practice what they preach
A healthy life style is often valued and most people have the basic concepts of being healthy. Many students at Green River Community College seem to know much more than the basic concepts since a two-credit PE class is needed to get an Associate Degree.
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When rabbits go rabid it’s not so cute! It causes death! Lots of death!
There’s been a recent outbreak of killer bunnies on campus. Due to several territorial wars between the bunnies and squirrels, many of them have not survived long enough to achieve their first kill. Rabbits who haven’t tasted blood are called ‘Premies’ and are the size of a softball, while those who have are called ‘Hunters’ and are five times that size, and have been known to attack students.
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Helpful tips to protect you against the creatures of the night
For all Green River students and staff members on campus during night hours: a cautious warning. Werewolves are being spotted along the Green River trails, coming dangerously close to buildings and roaming the parking lots. Rumor has it these werewolves are descendants from the Smulkamish tribe, more commonly known as The Muckleshoot Tribe, which was located where the campus now stands.
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The frightening experience of an alumni, retold
“Under my umbrella ella ella eh eh...” was the wake up alarm on my phone at 4 a.m.,” told Siya Wilson, 28, a graduated student from Green River Community College. This great day was her first day of college and she was so energized that she set her alarm early so she wouldn’t be late.
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Jin Han
For the last two weeks, an increasing number of students have developed diseases that can be traced back to Cell Phone Disease (CDP). Students have reported thing such as elephant ears, shrinking of fingers, and developing animal features. A study from Facebook has found that people on campus who text five hundred times a week suffer from thumb shrinking.
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Broken legs lead to potential change in dress code
Over the last weeks since fall quarter began, 17 female students have randomly broken their legs. School officials and security have been scrambling to discover the reason. It has been discovered that each of these students had one thing in common. They are all diehard stiletto wearers.
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Could the legitimacy of our education be at stake?
Starting effectively winter quarter, Green River Community College is adopting a new and rapidly spreading textbook program. The program, Customs Outreach of Literature in Educational School, gives more choice to the selection of textbooks available for college courses.
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Sattire first section to win The Current's 48 hour news project
The Flying Purple People Eater ate a student at Green River Community College on May 28th, 2009. Editor’s note: This page does not contain news, and thus is not factual information. The events and people depicted are not meant to offend, but rather to entertain.
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