The Flying Purple People Eater ate a student at Green River Community College on May 28th, 2009.
Editor’s note: This page does not contain news, and thus is not factual information. The events and people depicted are not meant to offend, but rather to entertain. The descriptions, opinions, and stories on this page do not reflect the opinions of The Current or its staff, but rather the individual writer. What follows is the winner of a contest that was presented to the staff, the requirements were tying a story to the Green River campus with the use of an obscure object generated by the group, in this case the 'Purple people eater' group. For more Sattire and humor view the print version of The Current.
After being admitted to GRCC in the Spring Quarter, despite the controversy surrounding his admission, the Flying Purple People Eater was performing well academically. He intended to work on his Associate of Arts degree so he could transfer to Cairo University in Egypt.
Last Thursday, his primal instinct to devour people took control of him and he ate a fellow student during a philosophy discussion. Campus Security immediately had him permanently removed from the school for blatant violation of GRCC law.
The Flying Purple People Eater will not stand trial, as there are no courts in the United States for Flying Purple People Eaters, but will most likely be denied entrance to any local college.
The question about who is truly responsible in this tragic situation is now a hot debate. Angry students are pushing for further sanctions against the Flying Purple People Eater, including smaller flight zones and more secutiy checks at the airport.
Scott Nilsson, a GRCC student, admitted, “I just don’t feel safe with him flying around eating people, you know?”
Flying Purple People Eater supporters, like Jared Walsh, feel the opposite, “What they’re doing is wrong. They just got to let him do his thing. It’s what makes him unique,” he commented.
Some students feel the Flying Purple People Eater incident is largely the admission’s fault, who took a gamble allowing him into the college despite a long history of eating people.
The parents of the devoured student, who will not be named by request, are now looking to file a lawsuit against the Flying Purple People Eater for $5,000,000. However, a Flying Purple People Eater cannot be sued unless brought into human courts, by federal laws.
Also, the Flying Purple People Eater has no money and attended GRCC on student loans entirely.
The Flying Purple People Eater has fled the area by air and could not be found or reached for comment.
While it seems the Flying Purple People Eater will not attempt to return to Green River, an incoming wave of other rarely sighted beings looking to attend school, such as Sasquatch and the Loch Ness Monster, might not have the easiest time fitting in, suffering harsh scrutiny from students and staff alike after the incident.
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